One of our staffers heard somewhere that the Summer Olympics were underway in China. With all due respect to the serious sports taking place at the Olympics like judo, fencing and boxing we greatly prefer the Winter Olympics. The only “pool sports” we care about take place at Bare @ The Mirage and involve suntan lotion and cocktails. Basically, there’s not enough sports that involve high speed, guns, risk of imminent physical danger and people getting hit. We hope that LeBron and Kobe are able to bring back the gold medal and like every…uh…”amateur sports enthusiast who can’t get enough of the spirit of competitive goodwill among nations” we’ll be glued to the tube during the women’s beach volleyball competition.

At one point, the Winter Olympics sucked. They were invariably held in dismal Soviet Bloc countries where the crooked judges and gnarly snow conditions frequently prevented our brave athletes from competing fairly. That all changed with the fall of the USSR, and the addition of snowboarding into the games. At that point, to paraphrase noted sports historian Tupac Shakur, the rest of the world ‘began to feel the wrath of a menace’.

Following the US sweep of the medals at the 2002 half pipe competition in the SLC was no easy feat, but American snowboarders once again displayed their dominance issuing the rest of the snow covered world a serious literal and metaphorical teabagging from which they may not soon recover. Only a bronze medal bone thrown to Finland’s Marrku Koski by sympathetic Italian judges after the American “big dogs” finished feasting on tasty Olympic medal meat prevented another sweep, and was reportedly done for fear that no other countries would show up for the 2010 Olympics in wherever they’re taking place for fear of another unruly beatdown at the hands, feet and boards of the American riders. Undeterred by the most obvious crooked judging decision since Roy Jones lost a decision to Korean boxer Park Si-Hun despite pummeling him like a rented mule for three rounds (worth noting that the crooks at the International Olympic Committee have never awarded RJ the medal he deserves despite everyone involved–from the judges to his opponent to Korean Olympic officials–admitting that it was in the tank), Mason Aguirre raged to a 4th place finish that would have been a bronze medal under an objective judging criteria.

In 2006 Shaun White raged and Portland’s own Danny Kass shredded the sketchy Italian snow with the primal intensity of a pair of pit bulls feasting on a bag of pork chops to win the gold and silver respectively. Join us as we relive a demonstration of American superiority that ranks with the (alleged) moon landing and the 1996 basketball “Dream Team” for out and out in your face domination: